In about two weeks, United States taxes are due, so in the spirit of tax season and sound financial advice, I present to you an eight-fold path to generous giving:
1. Never give more than you can get back in tax returns.
You can always have too much of a good thing, and that includes giving! In order to protect us and our wallets from too much charity, the US government has put some limits on the amount we can deduct from our taxes. Plus, they give us a nice big standard deduction, to save us the trouble of itemizing—or even giving in the first place! Essentially, if you’re giving less than the standard deduction, you might as well not give at all. Reducing your taxable income, that’s the point of giving after all, right?
Which leads us to our second tip…
2. Give to get.
The end goal of giving is to get something back. It’s basic economics.
Trust me, no one would give to their Public Broadcasting Service if they didn’t send out cool perks like Downton Abbey DVDs or to any other B-rate nonprofit if they didn’t send out all those free return address labels.
Even the Bible, in Galatians 6:7, says this: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” And so it goes with giving. God can’t or won’t give you what you want until you give him the venture capital he needs to give you your best life now. Getting doesn’t happen without giving, and giving doesn’t happen without getting!
3. Make sure everyone knows how much you give.
“Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor!” (Luke 19:8a)
One of the best things you can get out of giving is the approval and possible envy of others. So capitalize on it! Give your offerings in coins so they can jingle their way into the offering plate, for all to hear. If you must give by check, make sure it’s one of those oversized novelty checks that you can drag to the altar like Jesus dragging his cross towards Calvary.
4. Only give money.
In the same way that “time heals all hurts” or “love covers all wrongs”, it is true that money does all things. Why volunteer your time or skills or muscles, when money can do it? If you really think about it, there really isn’t a ministry in the church that can’t be done by money, or a problem in the world that can’t be solved by throwing more cash at it. Children’s ministry? Dollar bills will do it. They say “In God We Trust” after all. What more instruction do the little ones need? Missions? Just send cash. Nothing preaches the gospel like a big stack of Benjamins. Injustice? Just a little cash could tip the scales of justice in the right direction! World hunger? Pennies will provide the dietary copper they need. And paper money really does have an astronomically high fiber content.
5. Deduct “ministry expenses”.
Tithing is like taxes. You want to give enough to not have anyone come knocking at your door, but otherwise as little as possible. Our solution: “Ministry expenses”—they’re like tax exemptions but so much better. Let me explain how they work:
Got coffee on the way to church? Ministry expense. Lunch after church? Ministry expense. Got a fresh new set of wheels to get you to church? Ministry expense for sure.
In the end, you’re really doing God a favor by lavishing upon yourself what He was eventually going to lavish upon you. You’re saving him the time and effort, cutting out the middle man and avoiding all the excess shipping and handling fees. Efficiency at its best.
6. Procrastinate.
If you didn’t learn how to procrastinate in high school or college, you have your chance here and now. Because the best time to give is “later.” What can make a difference today, can probably make a difference tomorrow, or fifty years into the future. You can wait until you have a well-paying job, or until you have enough to buy a house, or until your kids finish with college, or until you know for sure that you have enough to retire comfortably. You might make it to the very end of your life without giving, at which point you can just give whatever leftover funds that you didn’t use during your life. God will surely be pleased with that.
7. You can always give on credit.
If you still want to give today, we have several financing offers available, including one with 0% APR for the next 24 months. As Americans, we buy most things on credit. We love instant gratification and delayed consequences. So why not enjoy the favor of God today and pay for it later (or never)?
Also, why give your money when you can give money from the banking powers that be? Be like Robin Hood, taking from the undeserving rich and greedy, and giving to the poor and needy! You’d be helping the poor by giving them money and helping the rich by saving them from their sin of having money.
8. Remember, God loves you in direct proportion to what you give.
Enough said. That’s the whole point of the story in Mark 12:41-44, of the crowds and the rich dumping money into the temple treasury, and the poor widow who barely gave anything. Jesus obviously preferred the former over the latter!
Or perhaps I got it all backwards…
April Foosday! Or two weeks from Tax Day, whichever way you see it!
I hope by this point you’ve smelled something very, very fishy with this post. It is, of course, my poor attempt at satire, part of my almost-annual tradition of publishing some heretical trash on April 1 in the name of this fine holiday. Please do the exact opposite of these “tips for generous giving.”
If you were in any way interested in my previous April Fools’ Day posts, they can be found here and here. And finally, if you wanted some of my actual thoughts on giving, I wrote this a number of years ago: Gold and Silver Have I None
a cup of kimitea 